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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.