The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
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My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME