[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
You Might Also Like
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
#CatsOnTwitter
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?