[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.