Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
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Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Our lord and savoury.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
The three genders.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.