[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Why soy sad?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I have a new favorite meme page
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one