I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
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[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?