Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
You Might Also Like
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started