Is this a threat?
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Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?