My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
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wtf is a larm clock?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes