I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
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If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
🤣dope
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Adultry does not sound fun at all