[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
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People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us