Sign at work today
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Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart