Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!