Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
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Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’m Sold!
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs