[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
🤔😂😂
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”