Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
(more comics:
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I would move hell over six inches for you
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.