*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
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If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.