date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My dress code is business-casualty.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.