Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
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If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.