Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
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is it earth
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
*launders Kohls cash*
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Yes, this is exactly right
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*