wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
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📽️movie date🎞️
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday