STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
*offers Batman cough drops*
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Home is where your toilet is.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday