I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
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An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Thursday Thought.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u