Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
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The best plant holders?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
New favorite tiktok
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.