Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
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[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My what?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
And then there were 4
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything