BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
You Might Also Like
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Tier 3 meme
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man