I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family