Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
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The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I am all good here, 😂😉
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors