Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
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“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.