Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
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hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.