I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
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Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb