Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
You Might Also Like
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers