Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*