What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
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[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.