My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
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One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My birthstone is kidney
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
The Punning Dead.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have