My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…