coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
You Might Also Like
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
this could fix me
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced