On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
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I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Rooting for the overdog
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.