Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
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We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.