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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.