“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
shit just got real
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot