[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!