Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
WHY?!
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT