(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I’ve been learning to cook.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”