SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
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Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.