My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
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Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Don’t forget to tip your server
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
The point of your 20s
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.