[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
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“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
SPLOOT
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.