I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die