never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
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Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him